The Cage
by Ruby-Flame Jedi Queen

Today I feel as if I have been placed into an enormous cage, and all I am left with are the questions wrapped around my mind, driving me mad.  Some rational part of me somewhere understands why Obi-Wan and Bail Organa are doing this, but that rational part is buried underneath the clawing of my raw emotions, which are screaming at them day and night. I am fighting a civil war against myself!  Of course I do not want to, but it is all I have been reduced to.  Sometimes I feel as though I have gone insane; they sure look at me like I’m crazy.  It does drive me crazy that I have no window through which to see the outside world because I can not look out and no one can look in.  I am alone.

I once considered taking my life.  "Why?" I had lamented, "Why have I tried so hard to lead a productive life when all it leads to is a window-less prison?"  Depression had accepted my invitation, but luckily the rational part of me triumphed.  So I am still here, my once strong-willed mind trying to recall the guidance that my trainers had provided me with when I prepared to run for queen.  Their voices are too faint, though.  I cannot hear them; I can only hear the sickly sound of my breathing and the churning of my brain.  I want to hear the voices of my trainers; I want them to take me back to the good times I had in my youth!  And in the same sense, I do not want to go through that sort of pain.  For although I cherish those times, I resent them as well because they remind me of the pitiful sobbing woman I’ve become, something the old Amidala would have never stood for, but she is not me anymore.

That Amidala began to die when her husband left her; the man she cherished with her very soul had suddenly left her all alone.  Obi-Wan tried to explain this to her, but she had not grasped a single word he had uttered, for all she had heard was a small voice muttering, "He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone…" and she had wept for days. 

You see, her husband had been fighting in the Clone Wars, and after a dreadfully long time (or so it seemed), he had finally returned back safely to his ‘beloved’.  She had seen it then, though; his eyes were different.  She had looked into them and barely recognized the Ani she had married.  His eyes were sad, haunted, and there was even something in them that resembled hatred, the likes of which she had not seen since the day he had admitted to slaughtering all the Tusken Raiders. 

"Ani, what is it?" she had questioned him, her voice betraying her by trembling as it left her lips, but all Anakin had done in answer was gaze at her with that intensely disturbing look in his eyes and then walk into the house.  That night he had not responded to any of Amidala’s advances, and so she broke off and lay back wondering what she was doing wrong.  She suddenly became very tired, though, and her last conscious memory was that of his soft lips on hers and a whispered, "I’ll always love you…"

***

I don’t like that memory.  If he still loves me now, then why am I here, hiding from something I don’t even understand? Maybe I will ask Obi-Wan when he next returns.  Or maybe I will ask him why he stole Ani’s children. Before he did it, he told me it would be for the best.  Of course not!  I am the mother, and it would be better for them to be with me! But he told me that the children needed a stable family to care for them; a family that could provide them with safety.  I can do safety!  I mean, what does he think I will do, harm Anakin's children?!  Even if I am angry at Ani for abandoning me, I never ever would have hurt the children.  And I am stable! (After this comment I pick up the hairbrush that is seated by me and hurl it at the wall.) The rational part of me laughs as if I made a joke.  I just think that it is stupid to have a hairbrush if you cannot even see yourself.  I wonder what I look like now?

The old Amidala is not dead.  I lied.  I just don’t like her anymore; she must have done something wrong to lose her husband and her children. 

Luke and Leia.  They were the two cutest things I had ever seen in my life.  I could see myself back then too, so I liked my hairbrush.  Luke and Leia both looked like little baby angels, and I swear, Luke resembled his father so much.  He had the same intense eyes; it scared me sometimes.  Oh, but I loved them anyway, because they were a part of Ani I could hold close to me.  

It hurts me, thinking of my children.  I would have done anything to please them, to see their little eyes light up and smiles bring little dimples to their faces.  How I miss them! Even though they are gone now, sometimes I can still hear Leia’s high-pitched giggle or Luke’s amused chortle.  Their toys are still here, and I never throw them.  Only that blasted hairbrush.

My mother used to brush my hair; I loved the feel of her hands running the brush through my hair so much! It was really a bonding time between her and I.  It’s hard to explain.  My mother was very good to me; she supported all my decisions even if she was reluctant to let me go.  She once told me, when I was Queen of Naboo, that I would make an excellent mother if I fussed over my children quite as much as I fussed over the happiness of my people.  We’ll never know now, will we mother? Stupid stupid hairbrush in this stupid stupid cage.  I hate it here.  I want out.

Why do they do this to me? I am not a bird to be kept cooped up all my life! I am Padme Amidala Naberrie, not a bird! "Let me out!" No one answers.  I’m all alone.  What do I do in here all this time, you ask? Other than go insane? Well, let’s see… I sit here in this cage and feel sorry for myself.  Don’t remind me of how pitiful of an existence it is.  I know.

I do actually do something productive in this cage, and that is write in this journal.  Well, okay, it is not the most productive thing in the world, but when compared with taking one’s own life I would say it is.  The old Amidala laughs at me, but she shouldn’t laugh; she is not strong anymore either.  Or I wouldn’t be in this mess.  Right now I am anticipating Obi-Wan’s arrival.  I am hungry since I have not eaten in a few days, and I also would like to talk to him.  Rationally, I assure you.  He should have already been here by now unless he went out to visit my children--you know, the ones that I will never see again.  Isn’t life ironic? Where is my bloody husband when I need him? WHY DID HE LEAVE ME? Alright, Padme, calm down.  This is not Ani’s fault; it is yours.  Accept that, will you?

There is noise on the other side of the hidden door, so I press my ear against it.  Is it Obi-Wan?

"Padme!" I hear from the other side of the door.

"Ani? Ani, is that really you?" I cry excitedly, a strange feeling warming my body.  Hope.  I have not felt it in a long time.

"Yes, my angel, it’s me.  I’m so sorry, Padme, so very sorry.  Let me in, please."

Let me in please? He had not even told me that he loved me!

"I love you, Padme!" He adds, as if reading my mind.

I will let him in.  But wait, I can’t let him in! I can’t even get out myself! I’m going to lose him again! "Ani, I can’t let you in!"

"I really do love you though, and I love the kids too.  Too bad you can’t come and see them," suddenly his voice is taunting, mocking. 

"No!" I shout and I fling myself against the door.  I am knocked over, because at that very moment Obi-Wan walks in.

"Amidala! You were talking to yourself! Are you alright?" he asks me with concern.

I am angry, "Where are my children? What have you done with them?"

He looks at me with pity, but I do not want his pity.  "Where?!" I screech.

"Am"- he starts, but I cut him off.

"I am sick of this! Ever since you brought me to Aldeeran, all I do is sit in this dreaded cage and hide.  I don’t even know what I am hiding from.  So tell me Obi-Wan, who is it that poses such a great threat to me out there? Who is it who forces me to sit here in my never-ending misery? Who is it who has reduced my life to this?"

Obi-Wan stares at me, as if in shock, for a moment.  Then he casts his glance downward and in that moment I see deep regret and true sorrow reflected in his eyes.  Finally, he answers me.

"Anakin."

The End